How To Deal With Anger
Brisbane Counselling for Anger
Brisbane Counselling and psychotherapy for learning how to manage anger.
What Is Anger?
Anger is a normal and healthy human emotion that we all experience. Feelings of anger can range from irritation, to frustration to rage. All of us feel and express emotions including anger, in response to our assessment of a situation or what's happening in the moment. Our emotions are neurochemical and physiological, which means we feel the emotion in our body and conscious articulation and understanding of our emotions come later.
Anger is an emotion that is often expressed when we are faced with a situation where something does not ‘feel right"‘ or someone has crossed our personal boundary. It is also helpful in letting us know when something may feel unfair or unjust and we want to take action.
When it comes to anger we often face the following challenges:
1. Many people have been taught to see anger as an unwanted emotion and have learnt that anger is “wrong.” If we have learnt that should not be expressed we can find it difficult to express anger even when it is justified and may even look to suppress our anger.
2. Equally as challenging is when anger is expressed in a way that leads to negative damaging effect or abuse. When anger is expressed in this way or through violence it is harmful and can threaten our personal relationships, self-esteem and overall wellbeing.
Anger as an emotion
What we know about anger is that it can be both a primary emotion and secondary emotion.
A primary emotion is an emotion we have in response to a situation. When Anger is expressed as a primary emotion we may feel that there is a threat to our person, our identity and beliefs. We may also feel angry as a response to feeling rejected or invalidated and we will usually feel angry when we sense who we are is not valued, our needs are not being met or we are experiencing criticism or rejection.
A secondary emotion is an emotion we feel in response to a situation however it is not the first or primary emotion we feel. Secondary emotions work to cover up our deeper or more vulnerable feelings. As an example with anger, sometimes when we experience anger it is as a “secondary” emotion, which means that we use anger as a way to protect ourselves from getting in touch with the vulnerable emotions like sadness, fear or shame.
Often times in working with and understanding our anger, we find there is a “primary” emotion underneath our anger that requires our attention. In this way, you can think of anger like the tip of the iceberg coming out of the water, like the iceberg only some of the emotions are visible. The other emotions exist underneath the “surface” where they are not immediately obvious to others.
Despite anger feeling overwhelming or like an emotion that comes on unexpectedly, anger is an emotion we can learn to understand, work with and manage. When it comes to working with emotion and in this case anger we can understand how we express emotion as taking two different roads. There is the “high road” and the “low road”.
The low road is usually quite familiar for most of us. This is where our amygdala, the small almond-shaped part of our brain that is located within the limbic system aka our emotional brain (the part of our brain influences how we think and behave) organises us into readiness. When we feel threatened and afraid, the amygdala automatically activates the fight-or-flight response by sending out signals to release stress hormones that prepare our body to fight or run away. This is often where we might feel anger exploding or escaping before we have a chance to make sense of it.
The high road is working with the cerebral cortex through reflection and consideration of what we are experiencing. So when we start to feel angry we can begin to ask questions like: “I wonder what is causing this” and “What is the right course of action here”. By learning how to slow down, explore our anger and making sense of our experience and what’s triggering us, something really interesting begins to happen, in that this starts to influence our actions and decisions going forward. Neuroscience shows us that having awareness of our emotions, labelling and making meaning of them can help modulate amygdala arousal and help us regulate anger as well as other emotions.
Our emotions are controlled by our thinking, namely our beliefs and attitudes and whilst anger is a normal emotion it can become challenging when it is expressed in inappropriate ways and when a person feels as though they do not have any control over the anger they feel.
Working with anger means learning how we can move away from the feeling of being controlled by it. Managing anger is about really understanding the anger and what happens for us when we may be triggered. From here we can manage our anger, work through the underlying feelings and emotions that may arise and express our anger in more healthy and productive ways.
Anger if left unchecked can result in a range of challenges both physical, social and emotional including:
Loneliness & Social isolation
High blood pressure
Insomnia
Irritable bowel syndrome
Risk of Heart attack or stroke
Headaches & Muscle Pain (especially in the neck and shoulders)
Alcohol and drug abuse
Self-injury
Low self-esteem & Depression
Challenges in personal relationships
How to manage anger
There will always be times when we experience anger, frustration or irritation. Boredom is even considered a mild form of anger - as we are dissatisfied with what we are currently doing! What’s important to know is that you can learn to control anger and how you react to certain situations and experiences. Here are a few key ways you can begin to manage your anger.
Avoid substances
Certain substances can also increase your anger and irritability. Anger is usually harder to control when you are feeling stressed, tired or under the influence of drugs or alcohol. If you have a challenging situation to deal with, it’s best not to add substances into the mix.
Relaxation
Meditation and breathing exercises can be excellent relaxation resources when it comes to dealing with anger. Being able to regulate your emotions and nervous system through breathing can help you to find a place of peace and calm. Learning relaxation and meditation techniques allows you to call on these skills when you need them most.
Some simple steps you can try:
Deep Belly breathing - focus on breathing for the pit of your stomach to engage the Parasympathetic nervous system. This is known as our rest and digest system because when we activate this state we send a message to our body letting us know we are safe, calm and relaxed.
You may also find a mantra helpful. As you breathe in you might say “Let” and as you breathe out you might say “go”. The phrase “How can I be helpful, not harmful in this moment” is also a good phrase help you reflect on your actions in the present moment.
Using your imagination you can practice visualising yourself in your favourite calm and peaceful place to be. This can be a real or imaginary place that you can access at any time to help bring you into a state of calm.
Daily practice of these techniques can help you cultivate new behaviours when it comes to anger. They can then be put into place anytime you may face a challenging situation or feel you need to address your anger.
Language
Looking at our language is one way we can start to take control of our anger. People who experience anger as a challenge tend to curse, swear, or speak in colourful terms. When you're angry you can focus on bringing logic into the situation. Instead of telling yourself, "It's terrible, everything's is ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's also understandable that I'm upset right now, but it's not the end of the world, this feeling will pass and getting angry is not going to solve the problem.”
Pay attention to the words you use when talking about yourself or someone else. "This is !@&*ed " or "you're always getting it wrong" are inaccurate. In the moment these words may help you feel as though your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem, but they also serve to push people away, rather than drawing people (who may want to help) closer to you.
Take a moment to reflect and remember that Anger doesn’t make you feel better, often it can make you feel even worse. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective.
As part of changing our thoughts and feelings around anger, we also need to become aware of our tendency to use demeaning language. Rather than demanding something we can request things that we would like instead of having to demand what we want. Understand what triggers your anger. By knowing where our core sensitivities are we can prepare for and find strategies that help us deal with anger.
You can also read about how to manage an angry mood here.
Overall, there is a range of effective strategies when it comes to learning how to deal with anger. For some people talking a situation through with someone is helpful, for others its meditation or exercise. The most important thing is to reach out and speak to someone who can help you understand your anger, how to express it (or other emotions safely) and what healthy and productive coping strategies would be most supportive for you.
I hope you have found this blog useful, if you are looking for anger management counselling in Brisbane to help you manage and express your anger effectively please each out and book a session here.
Natajsa is a Clinical Psychotherapist with a private practice is based in Ashgrove, Brisbane. She provides psychotherapy and counselling to individuals and couples and facilitates fortnightly group therapy focused on interpersonal process. Natajsa believe's that the relationship we have with ourselves and others is the essential ingredient to our emotional health, happiness and wellbeing.
As a Gestalt therapist she is interested in the topics of connection, belonging and the importance of human relationships. Her focus is on helping people develop self-awareness and understanding of their challenges, so they can create long-term, sustainable change that leads to more fulfilling and meaningful lives. Natajsa has been featured as an expert both locally and internationally and has contributed to a number of print and online media outlets including Women's Health and Fitness Magazine, Cosmopolitan Magazine, The Courier Mail & ABC Online.You can find her:
www.natajsawagner.com
www.facebook.com/NatajsaWagnerPsychotherapy