How To Overcome Imposter Syndrome
Counselling for Imposter Syndrome
Counselling and Psychotherapy In Brisbane For Imposter Syndrome.
How To Overcome Imposter Syndrome
‘People who are impostors and frauds do not spend a lot of time worrying that they are. Once someone is worried about being an imposter, they have told you they are not.’
Imposter syndrome has become a common phrase nowadays with many people feeling as though they have or have had imposter syndrome in their life. Recent research has also found that imposter syndrome, at some point or another, affects 70% of the population. So what exactly is Imposter syndrome?
Definition of imposter syndrome
Imposter syndrome is described as a psychological experience that leads us to feelings of incompetence in our abilities despite evidence contrary to or indicating otherwise.
People who resonate with imposter syndrome believe that their accomplishments have not been achieved through their own intelligence or efforts. Instead, they believe that their accomplishments are the result of luck, tricking others into believing something that is not true or manipulating others opinions.
Having imposter syndrome comes with a constant feeling of fear and the belief that we are incompetent. There is a sense of trepidation as we expect that others will soon find us out for “the fraud we really are’. Imposter syndrome makes it challenging for us to own and believe that we really are intelligent or talented despite our achievements or feedback from our peers or colleagues.
The interesting thing about imposter syndrome is that it isn't just about self-esteem. The research shows us that we can have a normal level of healthy self esteem and still struggle with feeling like an imposter when it comes to our intelligence and achievements. This is an important point because imposter syndrome can show up in our career or business even when our self-esteem is high in general.
Signs you may have imposter syndrome
A strong desire to prove yourself or to be recognised as intelligent
Wanting to be approved of by others
Constant worrying about the impressions you make
Feeling as though you are not competent or accomplished in what you do
Waiting for people to discover you are a fraud
Believing that you have only gotten to where you are through manipulation or trickery
Imposter syndrome is usually based on old and outdated information. It’s like a record that has gotten stuck on repeat, saying the same old thing over and over… “Everybody's better than you” or “you don't know what you are talking about.”
The cost of imposter syndrome
Clearly, with all of these thoughts and emotions going on, imposter syndrome takes up a lot of our energy. Sometimes we might be consciously aware that we have imposter syndrome but often, the feelings of unworthiness, fear and shame are feelings we struggle to name.
With less energy to focus on action and execution, we can find ourselves lacking motivation and feeling stuck. This means we are susceptible when it comes to setbacks. We can find ourselves getting into a ‘fixed mindset’ where instead of learning from failure or feedback, we withdraw, blame and criticise ourselves for our perceived failures, this leads to more feelings of anxiety and shame which feeds into imposter syndrome.
The research is also clear in confirming that people who have higher feelings of impostor syndrome are at higher risk of burnout and exhaustion, due the additional energy they expend in trying to protect their sense of self, and prevent people from discovering what they perceive to be their fraudulence or vulnerabilities. One of the big challenges then, apart from the sheer exhaustion we feel is the impact imposter syndrome can have on our family life and personal relationships.
When it comes to regulating ourselves and our emotional wellbeing some of the recent research suggests when we are dealing with imposter syndrome we are using up our regulatory resources in one arena by trying to manage our self-presentation, which ends up with us having more conflict in other areas of our lives. This means we are more likely to bring less pleasant aspects of ourselves into the relationships that really matter to us because we’ve spent so much energy in that other role.
Imposter syndrome can leave us feeling debilitated and frozen, and the cost to our self-esteem, confidence and resilience can be hight. How then do we overcome imposter syndrome?
Ways to overcome imposter syndrome
Embrace the tragic gap
One idea is to embrace the tragic gap. The tragic gap as discussed by Parker Palmer is a fundamental part of the human condition when we are engaged in doing important and meaningful work. It is the gap between our ideals and what we really believe is possible, and whatever the present reality is. When it comes to imposter syndrome and feeling as though we aren’t living up to your expectations or we aren’t doing all the things we envision, we might see this as being in the tragic gap.
Palmer explains that when we are aligned with our purpose and are contributing to the world, we will spend 99% of our lives in the tragic gap. He says, "It will never close, because that is the human condition." So instead of moving into self-criticism, negativity or hopelessness when we feel there is a gap between where we are and where we want to be, we need to stay in the gap.
We want to embrace the tragic gap and where we are, because this is where reality is. It is also where we can access information around, what our next steps are, how to learn, what we need to grow and evolve.
So What if we reframed imposter syndrome as a natural by-product of growth?
Imposter syndrome is what growth feels like, and the experience of imposter syndrome is to be a person who is growing into things that they haven’t done before. Just like anyone who is trying to accomplish something they haven’t done before, where we are is going to feel inadequate at times… we could all get a job doing something we might think of as simple (an example for me that would be working out in a field, picking fruit) where we wouldn’t feel like an imposter. We could all do something in our lives that makes us feel extra comfortable… but is that what we really want?
Instead of trying to ‘get rid of’ imposter syndrome we might see it as an indicator of where were are growing at our edges and extending ourselves. If we feel scared that we’re going to been found out, it probably means we’re growing.
The question then becomes, If feeling like we are going to be found out or the symptoms of imposter syndrome are part of the price of doing the work we do, would it be worth it?
Accept that not knowing is part of learning
There is an idea in our society that says, we can't do something or take the next step into something until we are the expert at it. This comes with the belief that we need to know everything about it and have all the answers to all the questions.
This incorrect idea fuels a lot of imposter syndrome.
Let’s consider for a moment, what is know as the zone of proximal development, (which has been around for over 100 years) This is the idea that when children are learning things and when we're teaching children things, that the zone of proximal development is when we push them farther, just a little bit farther than what they already know how to do, so they're learning in a place of discomfort. It’s from this place that they're discovering things about themselves that they don't know how to do yet, and the way that you discover that and the way you learn that is to do the thing that you don't know how to do yet.
So rather than having the belief that we need to know everything before we can put ourselves out there in the world or "I must be an expert to be competent", let’s remember that this is actually a normal experience that happens for children when they are learning and it’s also normal for adults too!
Challenge your perspective on imposter syndrome
When it comes to imposter syndrome one way to overcome it is to have our perspective challenged.
I like to call this accepting other people’s reality. You don’t have to believe what another person says, you don’t even have to understand it, but your job is to accept someone else’s feelings about you.
Let me explain…
We all have a little bit of a distorted sense of ourselves because we don’t have good perspective. We cant see the picture clearly, when we are in it, so to speak. What we can do is to ask for real feedback from people on who you are. Rather than trying to figure out who we are on your own (which we really can't do) we can take on the feedback from others.
You don't have to understand why somebody thinks you're great. You just have to let them feel that way, because you know what? You're not in charge.
If somebody wants to think you're wonderful, let them.
If somebody wants to think that you're beautiful, let them.
If somebody wants to think you're really good at what you do, let them.
You don't have to agree. You don't have to understand it. You just have to accept it. This is one way we start to bridge the gap between how someone else sees us and how we ultimately see ourselves.
Consider comparison
Even the most successful people have experienced self-doubt, thoughts of “who am I to do this?” and “Is what I have to say really that important?”
When we ask these questions we are making comparisons of ourselves against others. Comparison is a normal and natural way that human beings make sense of each other. Through comparison, we know who we are and how we fit into the scheme of things. However, comparison can move in two ways.
One way is: “I’m better than others”
The other way is” Other’s are better than me.”
When we start to head down the path of “others are better than me,” we move away from the normal healthy comparison that involves curiosity and into more rigid fight or flight, type’s of comparison. From here it is useful to explore our beliefs and the story we have around those beliefs more deeply (ideally with the support of a therapist who can support you in regulating your nervous system).
Examples of questions to explore with a therapist:
Why do you feel as though you need to be better than others?
What did it mean for you if you were better than others?
If you deserved recognition what would happen?
If you are successful what would happen?
The answers to these questions will vary for each person. For many people, the cloak of invisibility was a powerful protection in their early years. Flying under the radar and not being seen may have kept us safe.
Stepping into the light and receiving recognition or success may have been dangerous. Even though that might not be the case now, often our old learnt behaviour is still in play in our adult lives.
Therapy allows us to work with the residue from our past. By understanding the experiences that have shaped our beliefs and behaviours when it comes to imposter syndrome we can start to recognise what has contributed to our imposter syndrome and confront it with support. This means that we can begin to respond to it differently. We can gain perspective and work on ways to develop new and supportive resources when we feel our self-doubt and insecurities come up.
Recall and embody positive experiences
When we experience imposter syndrome there are also feelings of unworthiness, shame and despair that can come with it. This means being able to regulate our emotions is crucial. One way we can do this is to recall and embody positive emotions and experiences we have had in the past, so we can begin to use them as a resource in challenging times.
When working with a client I may ask questions like:
What makes you feel safe?
Can you share with me a time you felt really confident or strong?
When was a moment you overcame something that felt challenging?
When we can recall some of these more empowering and positive life experiences we can focus on embodying them. We then want to tune into the felt body sensations that went with them. As we recreate these positive moments in the here and now, little by little we can start to install these experiences in our nervous system and embed them in our long term memory. By searching for these experiences we have all had at one time or another, we gain a powerful internal resource that we can call upon and embody when we need it. With repetition of this skill we build the on memory and different ways of being that we can use to support us in moments when we feel most challenged by imposter syndrome.
Adding a gesture like touching a hand to our heart is also a wonderful support. when we do this there is also a physiological change that happens within us. For many of us, we get to experience a real sense of loving-kindness. The heart has it’s own nervous system and this gesture along with other supportive gestures unique to each person can help bring us back to centre when strong feelings and emotions around imposter syndrome arise.
Causes of imposter syndrome
There may be many reasons why a person experiences imposter syndrome. Whilst there are often many similarities in an individual’s experience of imposter syndrome, how it presents and what we feel will be unique. For some of us imposter syndrome is a difficult but manageable complaint to deal with, for other’s it is a deep and powerful form of suffering.
Overcoming imposter syndrome doesn’t always mean walking down one straight path. Often imposter syndrome takes us down different avenues that lead to other behaviours and beliefs that also need to be worked on.
When it comes to overcoming imposter syndrome we need to look at each person’s experience and set of circumstances individually. For some people what comes with imposter syndrome, is perfectionism and striving to meet perfection. For others it's the fear of failure that is really prominent, a fear of humiliation or feeling shame.
For some people there is often a desire to feel special, and to do so means that we need to go above and beyond what others do or to achieve impossible tasks. There are some of us who experience a fear of success because we believe, “when I am not successful I am safe or “If I were to succeed, then I would draw attention to myself and then I would become an easy target, where people could shoot me down.”
Imposter syndrome also brings up our fears, which in turn can lead us to experience feelings of depression. We may find it hard to motivate ourselves to do the tasks or activities we need or want to do. This, in turn may lead to excess worry and rumination.
Depending on who we are and the experiences we have had, how imposter syndrome shows up for us will be different.
Though less likely we might experience imposter syndrome and use this energy to propel us forward to achieve a goal. Which may mean that we become more confident for having done this. On the other hand, we might end up procrastinating about what we need to do not take any action at all. Sometimes even when we have achieved our goals and feel a sense of relief of having done what we needed to do, there can still be an inability to take in the good, feel satisfied and to see that we are worthy of success, praise and good things.
As you can see, what we call imposter syndrome if often multi-faceted. Ultimately overcoming imposter syndrome starts with developing self-awareness of ourselves. Doing the inner work to overcome imposter syndrome means working on our specific challenges.
I believe that to overcome imposter syndrome we also need to look beyond it. This perhaps is the ultimate goal. Looking to who we really are, not just the gifts or challenges we have, but everything underneath that. To embrace the vulnerability of being human, knowing we all have vulnerabilities, and that in our acknowledgement of them, we might use them for catalysts of growth and self-acceptance. The goal then, to arrive at a place where can appreciate ourselves with love and compassion. To say, yes I am just like everyone else. I too have made mistakes, I too am not perfect, I too have worn many masks and I'm still wonderful.
Natajsa is a Clinical Psychotherapist with a private practice is based in Ashgrove, Brisbane. She provides psychotherapy and counselling to individuals and couples and facilitates fortnightly group therapy focused on interpersonal process. Natajsa believe's that the relationship we have with ourselves and others is the essential ingredient to our emotional health, happiness and wellbeing.
As a Gestalt therapist she is interested in the topics of connection, belonging and the importance of human relationships. Her focus is on helping people develop self-awareness and understanding of their challenges, so they can create long-term, sustainable change that leads to more fulfilling and meaningful lives. Natajsa has been featured as an expert both locally and internationally and has contributed to a number of print and online media outlets including Women's Health and Fitness Magazine, Cosmopolitan Magazine, Being Magazine, The Courier Mail, ABC Online and many others. You can find her online at:
www.natajsawagner.com
www.facebook.com/NatajsaWagnerPsychotherapy