Dating With Kids After Divorce

Brisbane Counselling For Separation & Divorce

Dating with kids after divorce.

How To Date After Separation and Divorce

Separation and divorce and be challenging especially when you have children. But when the time comes to dating with kids after divorce and how to introduce your children to a new partner there can be a range of different challenges that come up.

Here are some common questions that come up around this and ideas on how you can manage this process well.

When dating, how do you decide when the time is right to introduce your new partner to your children?

This is a common question asked by parents as they are often wondering, Is it the length of the relationship, how long I’ve been separated or when the relationship has reached a certain milestone? As any parent will tell you, it is your child’s wellbeing that is always the number one concern. There are a few key things to consider in the timing of introducing your new partner to your children

This includes the age of your children and their ability to make sense of a new person entering their life and the role they will play. Bringing another person into the life of your children at any change is an adjustment and comes with its different challenges at different ages. This means making the introduction contextual. In the case of toddlers or younger children, a simple introduction to your new partner may involve you explaining that this is your new friends in the first instance before spending more time together and engaging with the children in activities and working up to explaining what the relationship is in terms they can understand. Teenage and adult children require a different approach and you may want to have a more open 1:1 conversation with your teenager before introducing your new partner.

Regarding the length and stage of your relationship with your new partner. As a general guide, you want to introduce your new partner to your children when you feel confident that the partnership you are in is moving into a more committed relationship. The length of time that happens is different for each new couple. However, this is generally not within the first month or first few dates. You need to ensure you both are on the same page when it comes to what it means to progress your relationship further and what your expectations are around this new relationship that takes into consideration the needs of the partner/s children as a priority.

When dating, is there a bad time to introduce you new partner to your children?

It’s impossible to generalise, but as a rule of thumb for those who aren’t sure where to start, the answer to this question is, in the middle of a breakup. It’s less common but not unheard of that one partner may have moved on before separation has occurred. If this is the case it’s really important not to introduce anyone new before your separation has occurred, not only is this confusing but it can also be painful for all parties involved. Too early on in a new relationship. If you're still figuring out if the person your dating is someone you’re looking to move into a more serious relationship with, it not the right time to be introducing this person to your children.

3. How can you prepare for some of the feelings that will come up when your children meet your new partner?

Meeting someone new always comes with uncertainty and that's something all adults can relate to. Some common feelings that can arise across all ages are confusion, hurt, anger, jealousy or on the flip side, excitement, happiness or ambivalence. Either way, whatever emotions are displayed it’s about ensuring your children feel that they can communicate what they feel with you and feel free to come to you to speak about any questions they have or thoughts that arise.

4. What are the most important things to say or do when you first introduce a new partner to your children?

There are lots of thoughts around this including Should it be at home or in a neutral place? Is it best to introduce them with or without their other parent? How long or short should the first introduction be?

For me, it's an individualised choice. Some parents choose to introduce their child to their new partner one on one, some choose to involve both parents and the new partner. It once again comes back to what's going to be most comfortable for you and your children. If it feels right for you, generally the simplest introduction takes place in a neutral setting with the child, parent and new partner in the first instance. The meeting is short, no more than 30 minutes and communication with your child that this event will take place beforehand is also key.

5. What are the no-no’s

Again this is for you to decide, however one word of caution would be not to introduce your children to a range of new people while you are dating them. This might seem a given but you don't want to be introducing your children to multiple new partners. As discussed above, introducing your children to a new partner without speaking to them in the first instance doesn’t serve to create a sense of safety or stability. Ensuring there are no surprises and you are being open and honest in your communication is always a win-win.

I hope you have found this blog useful if you are looking for support when it comes to dating with kids please reach out and book a session here.

Natajsa is a Clinical Psychotherapist with a private practice is based in Ashgrove, Brisbane. She provides psychotherapy and counselling to individuals and couples and facilitates fortnightly group therapy focused on interpersonal process. Natajsa believe's that the relationship we have with ourselves and others is the essential ingredient to our emotional health, happiness and wellbeing.

As a Gestalt therapist she is interested in the topics of connection, belonging and the importance of human relationships. Her focus is on helping people develop self-awareness and understanding of their challenges, so they can create long-term, sustainable change that leads to more fulfilling and meaningful lives. Natajsa has been featured as an expert both locally and internationally and has contributed to a number of print and online media outlets including Women's Health and Fitness Magazine, Cosmopolitan Magazine, The Courier Mail & ABC Online.You can find her:

www.natajsawagner.com
www.facebook.com/NatajsaWagnerPsychotherapy